Kung Fu Friday Moments: The Van Dammathon

Yesterday, we spent 13½ hours (counting dinner break) watching 7 Jean-Claude Van Damme films. I decided to live-tweet the event and given I'm a little tired this morning, I'm going to reprint those tweets here (plus any guest comments from the Twitterverse). Coherent capsule reviews on Sunday, as usual.

Preambles
-Today, a KFF special event, our Van Dammathon! 7 Van Damme movies from noon to midnight, and I'll be live-tweeting it under hashtag #JCVD
-Because I'm not that quick typing on an ipod, I probably won't be filling your tweetdeck with copious amounts of #JCVD coverage
-So non- #JCVD fans probably won't feel the compulsion to unfavorite me. I'll probably blog the results tomorrow as well.
-#JCVD Attending are @idiotbrigade @nathgoguen Isabel and St-Pierre. More will join.
-We're doing it chronologically. Bloodsport it is #JCVD-Arrived just in time: Ann-marie & Marc Burner
-#JCVD haha starts with a literal ice breaker!
-#JCVD is shower shy #dontaskdonttell
-#JCVD Accent excuse no.1: His dad is French.
-#JCVD Geez that flashback is right out of Proust.
-#JCVD 12 minutes in, we have achieved 1st split!
-#JCVD America's well represented by Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds. Ooh karate arcade game.
-If_I_fell_ : @Siskoid bloodsport is still quoted daily among my childhood friends and a vhs copy must be kept as initiation.
-#JCVD Forest Whitaker !?!?!!!!?
-#JCVD Wait, this isn't a Superstation original movie?! back to the least secret secret fighting ring...
-#JCVD So this underground event has a sponsor?
-#JCVD Dude, don't taunt Bolo! He fought Bruce Lee and Black Belt Jones!
-#JCVD Kumite theme song underscored by some awesome monkey kung fu!
-#JCVD 80s tasers have 2 giant USB jacks. Did any of those rockin 80s tunes survive?
-If_I_fell_ : @Siskoid the biker guy was the Danny Trejo of the 80s
-#JCVD Van Dammmmmn butt shot, all for skanky Lois Lane's benefit
-#JCVD Half the game seems to be showboating... and now you're dead.
-#JCVD Doctor can't find Ogre's heart. No... that's the clavicle. Dude, you're almost in the armpit...
-#JCVD Slow mo Jcvd expressions are the no.1 reason to watch Bloodsport
-#JCVD Bloodsport - the secret origin of Daredevil
-#JCVD Bloodsport - based on the true story that for legal reasons had to be remade as The Quest
-#JCVD Universal Soldier is next! Dolph Lundgren guest stars in a Roland Emmerich (gag) film
-#JCVD 6 minutes in and both leads are dead.
-So does every #JCVD film have an interfering female reporter?
-#JCVD TV's Conan is... the Universal Plumber.
-#JCVD The Universal Soldier program - so secret, we'll only discuss it on the news, but no pictures!
-#JCVD Reason for accent no2: Human robot (also, for the lack of acting)
-#JCVD Another butt shot for the benefit of a skanky Lois Lane. Drinking game coming together. Also lots of flashbacks.
-#JCVD Nothing like an army of Unisols to make you lose your damage deposit.
-#JCVD Reason for accent no3: When asked, deny you have one.
-#JCVD Those ear puns are on the level of Mr. Freeze's ice jokes in Batman & Robin.
-#JCVD I wonder what kind of club Kitty's is. Too subtle. Does the whole movie take place in America's shitholes?
-#JCVD Lois, how did you miss your bus ? It was right THERE!
-#JCVD I think the lesson if this movie is that you need drugs to be a winner. Slow clap, Emmerich.
-#JCVD Lundgren smoothie anyone? And yet he returns in the third sequel.
-#JCVD BODYCOUNT'S IN THE HOUSE!!! What the hell does that even MEAN?
-#JCVD John Woo's Hard Target is up next! (watch for dove alerts)
-#JCVD rocks a curly, greasy mullet. Yeah, that's not coming back any time soon.
-#JCVD Reason for accent no4: Cajun.
-#JCVD Lesson: Don't put your pathetic one-candle cake, lit, in a drawer.
-#JCVD Fact: A slide guitar soundtrack makes everything more badass.
-#JCVD True villainy is washing the blood off your hands in the victim's fish bowl.
-#JCVD DOVE ALERT!!!
-#JCVD Aww I thought for sure he would end up with the only cop in New Orleans.
-#JCVD Where would John Woo be without motorcycles I ask you.
-#JCVD Make no mistake, JCVD WILL punch your snake.
-#JCVD DOVE ALERT!!! And in a totally explodable disused factory. John Woo gold.
-#JCVD A Mardi Gras float factory! Did JCVD just wink at a dove?
-#JCVD Lance Henriksen almost got his crotch exploded! Uncle Duvet character find of 1993.
-#JCVD 's make-up guy is just called Zoltan. ZOLTAN!
-#JCVD During the dinner break, @MartyLight joined the party! Up next... Street Fighter! (And may God have mercy on our souls.)
-#JCVD The film that killed Raul Julia... Wha? Kylie is in this?
-#JCVD Street Fighter, based on the sequel to the game!
-#JCVD They tell me there are a dozen characters of the game butI'm afraid I have NO context
-#JCVD Features a guy who used to be Iron Fist. Getting my references crossed already.
-If_I_fell_ : @Siskoid If someone has a name and seems strangely shoehorned in, they're a character.
-slaymonstrobot: @Siskoid Don't hate me, but I actually sorta liked the movie...
-#JCVD Reason for accent no5: Despite the USA tattoo, works for the UN. That's international!
-#JCVD 21 minutes in and the lead has just been killed. These are short movies.
-#JCVD Ok Raul Julia is pretty awesome. "Then I would have ripped out his spine. The road not taken."
-#JCVD Note another female journalist mistreated by Jean-Claude. A ninja journalist.
-missmartin: @Siskoid I love ninja journalist, actually I think I have a thing for them... #jeudiconfession #JCVD
-#JCVD The war is canceled. We can all go horm... Guess what, nobody wants to go horm.
-#JCVD Bison makes some amazing cocktails and has a sweet bone chandelier.
-#JCVD Bison will fight the Allied Nations with an arcade machine.
-#JCVD Release the Hulk!
-#JCVD "Hostage pit open. Hostage pit open." Imagine recording that.
-#JCVD Doesn't Ken understand no one will want to play him if he runs away. Ryu knows.
-IdiotBrigade: @Siskoid All anybody plays as, is Ken. LINK
-#JCVD That's what I call platform shoes with variable height!
-#JCVD Now they're all doing their special attacks! FINISH THEM (wrong game)
-#JCVD FINAL GROUP ACTION PHOTO!!!
-slaymonstrobot: @Siskoid Fact: those are all their actual victory poses from the video game.
-#JCVD After credits scene - WORLD DOMINATION REPLAY! Now on to Sudden Death - Die Hard at a hockey game!
-#JCVD Game 7 of the Cup Stanley finals. The stakes couldn't get any higher. I sure hope a Canadian team is involved.
-#JCVD Reason for the accent no6: A Quebecker despite the English name (it's a common phenomenon actually)
-#JCVD Oh it's the Blackhawks... but these Penguins are filled to the gills with Canadians.
-#JCVD My apologies to Powers Booth. For some reason I remembered him as Huey Lewis.
-#JCVD PIT 1 CHI 1 - "It's hockey, you don't need to think." Americans just don't understand the game.
-#JCVD If the Zamboni gets under 50 mph, the evil mascot will kill the little girl.
-#JCVD Oh transgendered mascot, you thought you would Pengwin, but you Penglost. (not mine, blame the room)
-Johanne_4: @Siskoid Boo the room. #JCVD
-#JCVD CHI 2 PIT 2 - the secret service didn't get the Die Hard memo from the FBI
-#JCVD is MacGyver. And beware Puckhead in the audience. He'll give you a piece of his mind.
-#JCVD CHI 4 PIT 3 - JC is now on the ice. He's got to goal and... HE'S STOPPED IT!!
-#JCVD To get off the ice, starts a fight. But when it comes to bad guys, it's skates to the face!
-#JCVD CHI 4 PIT 4 - But does the goal count if the player is in slow motion but the timer isn't?
-#JCVD Helicopter crash on the ice! Misconduct 2 minutes
-#JCDV So we'll never know who won the Stanley Cup?!??!! (the Canadian POV may differ from the norm)
-#JCVD Zoltan lives - he applied Vam Damme's makeup through the 90s... Double Team next!
-#JCVD Ooh Tsui Hark! Also, Mickey Rourque! But sadly, Dennis Rodman.
-#JCVD Reason for the accent no7: Lives in the south of France.
-#JCVD 2 anal sex jokes already and I'm not counting the title. Ooh I didn't expect underwater bondage.
-#JCVD I love being in the hands of a Chinese director. The action and visuals are crazy awesome, but the dialog is ridiculous
-#JCVD He wakes up in the Village?! Where's Number 6 when you need him?
-#JCVD Now leaving the island thanks to the plane that obviously brings coca-cola to the Village.
-#JCVD Parachutes are yesterday's news. Now introducing giant basketball technology. ---BOMB BABY!!!
-#JCVD In Rodman, they finally found an actor who speaks less clearly than Jean-Claude.
-#JCVD Disguises. Rodman as a pimp. Van Damme as Robert Downey Jr. Tsui Hark as John Woo DOVE ALERT!!!
-#JCVD Cyber-monks?!? And I thought the guy who held a switchblade in his foot was cracked out.
-#JCVD Roman arena, loose tiger, Rodman on a motorbike, baby in the middle. #badparenting
-#JCVD An explosion of Coke machines. Now I've seen every permutation of product placement possible.
-#JCVD Up next, JCVD... in the original French!
-#JCVD I didn't expect it to be that viciously funny! Haha tidy whitey SWAT guy.
-#JCVD It's over, lots to digest and it's late. So I'll take care of it in This Week in Geek Sunday

With Twitter, who needs to keep a journal? Am I right? And thanks to all my KFFFriends for much of the material above. I stole liberally from the room.

4 comments:

idiotbrigade said...

That was an experience. I love how we all got quiet during JCVD, spellbound by his tour-de-force acting and on-screen charisma. Y'know, compared to the rest of the movies we watched that night.

I mean you barely tweeted through it, never mentioning the sweet Taxi alarm-lady.

My vote for our Vandammathon's MVP: Zoltan. What a truper. He can go Horm. hez urnd et.

Siskoid said...

I know! I wish I had mentioned the Car alarm lady, but I just didn't want to miss anything.

JCVD gets its due on This Week in Geek.

Delta said...

"-#JCVD rocks a curly, greasy mullet. Yeah, that's not coming back any time soon."

I have a friend who moved to Thailand within the year, and his Facebook update last week was that his barber was SHOCKED that he did not want a mullet, and almost couldn't be persuaded to trim the back.

Siskoid said...

I await the relevant Tony Jaa movies with trepidation.

 

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